Thieves and Liars in Cuzco

Cuzco is a beautiful city, let me say that first and foremost. But the tourist district-- being the hub for tours to Maccu Picchu, the most visited place in all South America-- is so heavily saturated with people trying to make a buck that literally every other person you pass in the street is offering you something: wool hats, matches, cameras, lunch, dinner, drugs, massages, tours, better prices than everyone else. And the easiest way to stand out is just to lie about what you're selling, to make it seem worth every last gringo dollar. The following is a guide to 'Cuzcospeak' based on my trip to Maccu Picchu (which was amazing and worth every dollar I should add).

--So if I leave tomorrow, how many people are in my group?
It'll be six people total, plus a guide of course. You and 5 girls, four of which are brazilian. Very good people. (Of the 26 people in your group, some of them will be from Brazil. I think one is female, I can't remember. Very good people.)

--The first day is mountain biking, right? Is the equipment good? Is there traffic on the road? How many hours is the ride?
The ride lasts about 4 or 5 hours; we stop at two important archaelogical sites along the way. The bikes are very good, good Shimano components. Only a few local buses travel on the road. (If we give you equipment, it will be crap {I'll put a photo of my bike online later, which I'm pretty sure was taped together. I also got two left-handed gloves.}. Chains will break, wheels will come off, seatposts will snap, gears will refuse to change. The ride is about 2 hours total, plus a few hours of waiting for people with broken bikes to walk to the meeting point. You'll see lots of culture, but nothing from Incan times. And aside from buses, you need to watch out for chickens, ducks, turkeys, pigs, sheep, kids playing and old people standing in the street. {After the world's most dangerous road, this ride was a piece of cake-- and my duct tape princess bike rode like a champ, carrying me to victory at the bottom of the mountain. Although I was reminded that this was 'an adventure, not a competition'}

--What isn´t included in the price? Should I bring money?
Everything except entrance to the hot springs is included. You can buys snacks if you want. (Bring money because breakfast might be a bun with a piece of cheese on it, and a juice box. And if you order the cheese omelette for dinner, not only will you not get cheese, but you won't get french fries either. And you'll want to buy a giant bottle of coke with every meal to share with people, since you'll get pretty thirsty after 9 hours of hiking in the jungle.)

--What time do we leave for the ruins? How long are we there? When is the train back to Cuzco?
We'll leave for the ruins at 4am to see the sun rise over the sungate. There is a two hour guided tour, and then you have the rest of the day free. You can leave on whichever train you like, probably getting back to Cuzco around 9 at night. (You'll wake up at 4am, but you'll never leave that early. Your group is too large. Not to mention, there won`t be enough beds at the last hotel, so the group will be have to be split up. It`s ok though, it`ll be raining when the sun comes up, so you won`t miss anything. You get to hike up 3,000 stairs, wait for everyone; fill out your name and country on your ticket-- one pen for 26 people, so more waiting-- and then get your tour. Be back in town at 4pm to pick up your train ticket. We`ve given you the fake name Guillermo Grasso, so don`t show anyone on the train your passport. And to save money you`re getting off halfway to Cuzco, and then look for someone with a sign saying `Julia Tours`-- no that`s not my company, but it's ok. Just follow everyone else; they`ll call everyone but your name on the bus, but just play along. Oh, and plan on waiting on the bus for about 45 minutes, since the terminal is a cage and the buses are arranged like tetris pieces. You`ll get to Cuzco sometime before midnight.)